Learning Lessons

Sometimes it takes me a while to learn my lesson. I usually have a hard time because I’m being stubborn. Take my weight, for example. From the time I was a kid, until about age 30, I was on the weight loss roller coaster: go on a strict diet, lose the weight, then obstinately go back to eating how I had before, and pack the weight right back on. I finally learned my lesson: permanent weight loss requires permanent changes. I kept that in mind when I entered maintenance in late 2016 and the weight has stayed off.

Last year, the scale mysteriously started to trend up by a few pounds. At first, I was baffled. Why was it going up? I thought I had been doing the same things I always had. I started to fear that intermittent fasting had destroyed my metabolism. Or that it had suddenly stopped working. I stubbornly refused to think I had been eating too much. But when the scale still kept going up, I reminded myself of the lesson I had learned: the scale will tell me the truth, even when I don’t want to hear it. I decided to pay more attention to how full I felt after eating. I usually didn’t feel overly full, but sometimes I did. I continued to monitor myself. I started to see a pattern: when I sat down, I was wolfing down my food, and I tended to be deep in thought about stressful things that were happening in my life at the time. I reminded myself of the lesson I had learned before: in order to eat the right amount sit down, focus on the food, slow down, and enjoy every bite. I changed my behavior. The scale started to trend back down.

Back in 2015 I started to see how social media was making my life worse. Many times I’d end up stressed out and stress eating because of whatever drama I’d seen on there. I cut down on my usage, and my life improved. I paid more attention to the people in my house. My life was calmer. I was calmer. Eventually I made a rule that I would only be on social media if I was up walking, which curtailed my use further. I continued to see my life get better as my social media use decreased.

In 2017 I started my YouTube channel and social media started to creep back into my life. It started with answering comments in the comments section. People were asking me to start a Facebook group. I hesitated for a while, because of the lesson I had learned before. Eventually I went against my instincts and started one. I was hopeful that I could create a positive space on Facebook. While the majority of people were fantastic, there was enough negativity and drama that it caused significant stress in my life. Plus, this increased my general Facebook usage, which was also adding stress, despite aggressively hiding negative people from my newsfeed. After a while, I shut down the public Facebook group. I opened a private one for group coaching, because this is what people were requiring. Again I faced the same dilemma: to have an active Facebook group, I’d have to encourage more social media usage when I believe it’s a net negative for many people’s lives. I eventually shut down the group coaching option, and my Facebook usage went back down.

I still had an Instagram account which I had opened up to the public. I felt pressure to be active on Instagram, but in the end it made my life more stressful. The lines were blurring between my personal life and work life. People sometimes (though not often) left negative comments for various reasons, which I would see when I was trying to have some down time. These negative comments would get me down for the rest of my day, which then affected the lives of my loved ones in real life. That was bad enough, but my turning point came when a particularly rude comment was put underneath a photo of my kids. My gut reaction told me what I needed to do: I switched to a private account and deleted everyone who was following me that I hadn’t met in real life.

My social media usage declined in the following months, and with it, my stress levels. But with the current situation with Coronavirus, I found myself going on social media more, to “stay connected.” By the end of a week or so, I was checking social media compulsively. It kept pinging my brain even when I wasn’t on there. It was ruining my mood and putting me on edge for the rest of the day. Each time I left the app, I found myself feeling more disconnected, the exact opposite of what I was hoping for.

For years I’ve been considering getting rid of social media completely, and this experience has finally moved me to action. I’ve downloaded my data from Facebook and Instagram, and I’ve deleted them permanently. I plan to stay connected via texting, video chatting, phone calls, and meeting up with people in real life.

In the end, I don’t do moderation well. I have a suspicion that the same tendency that has caused me to overeat in the past is also related to what causes me to use social media compulsively at times. I do better when there are clear cut boundaries. Unlike food, social media is nonessential, and I can clearly survive without it. I’m looking at this as an experiment. I’ve done social media fasts in the past and I’ve enjoyed them immensely. If living without social media makes my life miserable, I can always sign back up. I’ll let you know how it goes.