One of the keys to my success with weight loss and maintenance is that I’ve learned how to negotiate with myself. You see, there are basically two Kaylas. There’s Chunky Kayla, and she wants to eat all the food all the time, and never have any rules or restrictions, ever. And then there’s Ideal Weight Kayla, who wants to maintain a healthy weight and have strict rules in place for eating and exercise. My mistake in the past was thinking that it had to be all or nothing. Either Chunky Kayla could drive the bus, or Ideal Weight Kayla could. The problem is, neither one was sustainable. When Ideal Weight Kayla drove, she forbade the delicious foods Chunky Kayla loved, forced Chunky Kayla to do physically punishing workouts, and in general made life pretty miserable for her. This battle went on for decades, but over time Chunky Kayla took more and more control of the bus. Unfortunately, she nearly drove the darn thing off a cliff. She became obese and sedentary. There was constant negative self-talk. It was time to negotiate a truce.
Both parties wanted the same thing: an enjoyable life. They just each had their own ideas about how to get there. When I formed my plan, I gave each party what they desired. I gave myself permission to eat whatever food I wanted, with nothing being off-limits, ever. That made Chunky Kayla happy. I made the rule that I would stop eating when full and that I would only eat during my set eating window and that made Ideal Weight Kayla happy. I instituted a weekly day off, with the understanding that I would be consistent throughout the rest of the week, and that pleased them both. I instituted a daily six-mile walk, with the agreement that I could walk as slowly as I wanted. After implementing my plan, I paid (and continue to pay) attention to signals of resentment from either party. If resentment cropped up, it was time to renegotiate.
For example, one thing that I started to resent was missing out on parties or other events that happened during my window. I wanted to participate fully. I used renegotiation to help me build a code for myself for going off-plan. My solution was to put a rule into place that said I would eat, but that if this rule ended up causing me to gain weight, or severely hamper my progress, we would renegotiate again (we never needed to). Maintenance is a lifelong process, and I remain flexible with myself. For example, after noticing a pattern of wanting to give myself the day off from steps on major holidays and slight exasperation of “having to do my steps” on Sundays, I renegotiated. I started taking Sundays off from my step goal and all was well again in the kingdom. At another point, I wasn’t sure what kind of eating pattern I wanted to maintain, though I was pretty sure I wanted to do some form of intermittent fasting. Again, I had to negotiate terms with myself. The deal is I can experiment however much I want, as long as I don’t emotionally eat and I continue to weigh every day. This ensures that I keep my weight in check, but that I’m not being too strict with myself.
If you find yourself arguing with yourself about your plan, sit down and write down a list of what each side of you wants. Then go about making both parties happy. It’s helpful to examine both what your actions are, and what your thoughts are. For example, if during your workout, you’re thinking “I hate this. I hate this. I hate this,” take it as a cue that this particular exercise is probably not sustainable over the long term. On the other hand, if you find yourself eating carbs when you think carbs are evil, it’s worth it to delve into what you actually believe and come to some sort of agreement with yourself. You know yourself better than anyone else, so sit yourself down and figure out your plan. The goal here is that as you’re going about the day to day implementation of your plan, your inner dialogue is spontaneously saying, “Hey, I can do this! I like this!” That’s the type of thing you can live with for the long term.
Learning how to negotiate with yourself during the weight loss journey is about figuring out how to walk the line between order and chaos that Dr. Jordan Peterson discusses in his excellent book 12 Rules for Life. If there’s too much rigidity and order in your plan, you’ll be miserable and probably rebel. If there’s too much chaos, you’ll be inconsistent and won’t make progress. You just have to find that line and keep walking it until you reach the goals you’ve set for yourself.
Recommended Reading: Getting to Yes by Roger Fisher.
